What we need, is a report

It’s all about the reports.

There are something like 347 reports on climate change and how it is, or isn’t, affecting our planet.

There are dozens and dozens of reports on the opioid epidemic in our country.

There is the annual “pitchers and catchers” report by Major League Baseball.

Just kidding about that last one.

I figure someone needs to write a report about the Magnet Mills site.

Because once you write a report about it then people will start saying things like, “Hmm, never thought about that.”

Or, “My, my, interesting conclusion.”

Face it, Magnet Mills is like a sore toe. You know it’s there, you know it’s worrisome.

But what are you going to do about it?

Rub on some ointments that may or may not work? Take the chance of making it worse? Just let it go and hope it gets better?

Put your sore toe in an arm lock and make it do what it’s supposed to do?

I think the City of Clinton has pushed as hard as it can — some think the city could maybe push a little harder.


I mean you don’t want to get in some long, drawn out court battle where the only ones benefiting are lawyers.

Because friends, they charge by the hour.

But if someone writes a report …

The sky’s the limit.

It’s a report. It’s not based on a lot of facts. Maybe some, but there is some wiggle room in there.

The report should have a conclusion of some sort.

“It is the opinion of this report that the best use of the site is as a fun video arcade.”

Or, “It is the opinion of this report that a raccoon sanctuary be established at the site.”

Or, “It is the opinion of this report that a really cool bar with a great juke box — something with a lot of Pearl Jam — be built on this site.”

I mean, there’s other boring stuff that the site could be utilized for.

Whatever. Who wants to focus on boring stuff? Nobody would read it, and if they did they wouldn’t comment on it because they’d just say something like, “Yawn.”

And if the City of Clinton does want a report done on the site — and I’m talking about a real “report” like the climate change stuff and not just a “prospectus” — then it’ll have to get creative.

Make it a contest-like thing to see who gets to write the official report.

That’s why a “prospectus” isn’t any good. Ever see the drawings that go along with those things?

Cars don’t look like that. All the drawn in people are slim.

And have hair.

And those things are like, “This will be here. That will be there. This will be this or maybe that.

“And only slim people with hair can use it. Can’t you see that in the drawing?”

Or better yet, get like 30 people to write a report and then pick the best one and call it, “The Official Report.”

Thirty may be too many. Maybe it should be 12 report writers.

And they can’t be related to anyone serving on City Council because that would not be fair.

I’m pretty sure that’s how they elect the governor of Wyoming.

I might be wrong about that.

But the city should put some kind of warning in there that any report that features a health food shop called something like “The Salted Goat” will be automatically tossed.

Likewise for any report that says the site would be perfect for parking big SUVs that never go off-road.

And the report has to have lots of colors.

Everybody likes colors.

I know that kinda sets it up for submitted reports to be finished in crayon, but maybe a panel could be set up to throw out the ones that have Magnet Mills spelled wrong.

And written in turquoise.

And then people will say things like, “Well, well ... A baseball stadium? Good call there.”

Or, “Yes, yes, a court martial for any person not going along with this is just what needs to happen over there.”

Or, “What’s wrong with ‘The Salted Goat’?”