It’s only scary if you think about it

I woke up feeling very anxious this morning. I really need to quit reading the national and international news before I go to bed. I do this so that when I come into the office in the morning and somebody makes a reference to something “in the news,” I’ll be able to join in all the camaraderie and knowing chuckles and bonding. Just like a real human being. It’s swell, isn’t it?

But I worry. Did you know that there is not a host for the Oscars? What’s with that? There has to be somebody out there who will make us all laugh and feel good about people who pretend for a living, patting themselves on the back. Otherwise, it’s just show featuring a lot of people wearing a lot of make up.

“Wow, the Oscars don’t have a host,” a co-worker says.

“I know, I know,” I jump right in.

There’s some serious bonding going on in our office.

Did you know that the Milky Way, our home galaxy, is being pushed across the cosmos at something like a jillion miles a minute? Something like that. I get lost when I read all that space stuff. Also, there is “probably” going to be a collision of some sort with the Milky Way and some super space cloud?

I’m surprised I don’t have nightmares after reading things like this. Of course we can’t really feel the Milky Way moving because we’re all pretty much insignificant little mites in the grand scheme of things, plus it’ll be about six billion years before the Milky Way runs out of room — maybe. And that collision with the super space cloud will happen, probably, in about two billion years, but tickets go on sale next week.

“I’m going to buy a ticket for the big collision,” a co-worker says.

“I think I’ll just watch six-year-olds play soccer. Same concept,” I offer.

Bonding, bonding, bonding.

Sports are always a great topic in the office. There’s the Vols. The Lady Vols. The Vols again. More Vols, How about a little more on the Lady Vols? Here’s a roundup of what the Vols — the other Vols, not the ones you’re thinking about — had for breakfast.

And here’s what the Lady Vols are having for a pre-game snack.

“Wow! Those Vols!” a co-worker said to me.

“You bet!” I answered back.

Thanks to the government shutdown, federal employees are getting a lot of things given to them. Like food. President Donald Trump said he would “own” this shutdown if it happened — this was before it happened. Then when it happened, he said the Democrats should “own” it.

Nobody seems to want to own it.

If this shutdown keeps up much longer a lot of federal employees won’t be owning anything because all of their stuff will all get repossessed. Apparently there was some kind of deal in the making to stop the shutdown but Mitch McConnel, who is from Kentucky, did something to break the deal.

Thanks Kentucky! I can’t wait until the Blue Grass state’s next election to see what our neighbors to the north send to Washington next time.

“Did you hear what Mitch McConnell did?” a co-worker asked one morning.

“Who?” I asked.

Great times at The Courier News.

Speaking of Mitch McConnell, he publicly smacked the hand of fellow Republican Steve King for racist statements.

Mr. King is from Iowa. Do you know what is in Iowa? Corn. Lots of the stuff, too.

Mr. King should have his hand smacked publicly. With a large tuna fish or something else like that. And Mr. McConnell even went as far to say that racism has no place in Washington, D.C.

But here’s what I don’t get: Mitch McConnell derailed a move to end the federal shutdown. The shutdown is happening because the President of the United States of America wants funding for a wall to be built on our southern border so that people who are not white can’t sneak into our country and take jobs and create crime waves and such everywhere they set foot.

No, that’s not racist. Right?

“Did you hear what Mitch McConnell did to that King fellow?” A co-worker asked me.

“Who?” I asked.

I’d rather talk about galaxies running around and smacking into each other.