There are four phases to weddings.
I know. I took a class.
Passed it, too.
The warm-ups; the waiting; the main event; and then in a wedding reverse order tradition thingy — the reception, which is like the undercard of a fight. It’s not THE main event, but it’s close.
See, a wedding is like a boxing match, which is kinda the way it should be because aren’t marriages like boxing matches?
Or at least games of water polo?
The warm-ups are the jumbles and challenges of picking colors, making guest lists, making sure groomsmen show up for tuxedo fittings, sorting the caterer, trying to figure out who is actually going to be at the rehearsal dinner, and soothing hurt feelings because some people think they should have a bigger part in the couple’s special day (therefore ensuring they get attention, too).
This is the training phase.
This teaches the newlyweds what life is going to be like from now on — the art of balancing two families and a plethora of family events, of how to work together toward one goal.
OK, OK … it won’t be a baseball-themed wedding.
Gentlemen, I’m sorry to say it’s no longer hip and cool to just sit back and watch the bride-to-be handle everything.
Be a man, step up, help out.
Otherwise you will may end up wearing pink and green tuxedos.
It’s brutal and many couples have withered under the pressure.
Wait, what’s that stack of envelopes on the table THERE?
Okay, we’ll move on. We’ll handle this.
Music lined up?
What? Me? I thought you were taking care of … Oh crap!
It’s a 10,000-piece jigsaw puzzle with no picture to go by.
The waiting phase involves the boxers in their dressing rooms before the introductions.
The bride-elect getting ready with her bridesmaids; the groom trying to act nonchalant because his PlayStation4 game time is about to take a hit (maybe).
I don’t feel beautiful. My hair didn’t come our right. Do these colors really match?
Are my wedding vows good. No, not good … PERFECT?
Are the bridesmaids ready? How are their shoes? Are their shoes good. No, not good … PERFECT?
He better be out there when I go down the aisle.
You got this, you got this, you’re the man, don’t drop the ring, don’t drop the ring …
You will not throw up. You will not pass out. Your legs will not lock up. You’re the man, you’re the man.
Stand up straight, don’t slouch, don’t look at the crowd.
Are we ready? Does everything look good? No, not good … PERFECT?
Ding, ding, ding, ding … Ladies and gentlemen welcome to the main event! On this side of the altar is the groom, wearing the charcoal tux with Volunteer orange vest, weighing in at …
And now, the moment you’ve all been waiting for … Ladies and gentlemen, wearing the white dress and carrying a bouquet of autumnal flowers, here she is … THE BRIDE!!!!
Much tears and sobbing (well, just enough to make it a “moving” experience).
Introducing Mr. and Mrs ….
The main event is, of course, the highlight.
It should be over, finished, that’s a wrap, let’s all go home.
But never forget the reverse order wedding thingy undercard — the reception.
That’s where the most body blows are landed.
This is the part where everybody is involved. Everybody has to bob and weave, keep their hands up, block the punch, then counterpunch (or not), but for goodness sakes don’t get pinned to the ropes.
I hope they like my gift, I hope they like my gift. Wait, THAT gift is bigger.
Why is that gift bigger? Who the heck is that from?
I’ll slip a hundred to the groom before I leave.
Keep those hands up.
Hey, haven’t seen you in a long time. You put on weight, haven’t you?
Bob, weave, bob, weave.
Still working at that place? Thought you may have moved on to bigger things.
Bob, weave, keep the hands up.
You may not remember me. I used to beat the crap out of your son in middle school.
But I’m better now.
Stay off the ropes! Stay off the ropes!
Who is that person standing in the corner? Does anybody know who that is? Are they supposed to be here?
Step back, block the jab.
Who’s decorating the car? Come on, guys. They’re getting ready to throw the bouquet, get the streamers for the car! Get the streamers!
Counter punch, jab.
Here, have a beer.
Just keep moving, keep out of reach.
I’ve been reading some of your stuff. You really know how to straddle a fence.
Body shots are taking a toll. Man, gotta keep off the ropes.
Bob, weave, bob, weave.
Hey, you okay? You need the cut man? Just another couple of rounds left.
Deep breaths, deep breaths.
That was brutal, but no, I’m good, just gotta bob and weave, bob and weave.
Hey, watch that guy, I think he’s had a bit too much and he almost fell down … twice.
You might need to take care of that. Keep an eye on him, okay?
Go into a clutch, go into a clutch.
Look out, it’s an ex-boyfriend and he’s not looking too happy.
I don’t know whose ex-boyfriend. I’m just telling you.
Bob, weave. Bob, weave.
Hey, I didn’t get any wedding cake. What’s that about? Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake! Cake!
Bob, weave, bob, weave.