Just trying to find pandemic-proof sports

Pandemic-proofing sports is something one doesn’t really think about, but people are having to start thinking about it now.

Which sports are more conducive to social distancing than others?

Well – I mean – let’s start with the most pandemic-proof: tennis. I mean. it has to be tennis. You’re standing 15 feet across from each other, not carrying the ball with your hands. You’re outside. A high, chain-link fence separates the spectators from the game itself.

That’s practically pandemic-proof right there.

My first thought for this was hockey, since players are in a cold environment that inhibits viruses, the pads keep them from really getting intimate, and they use the stick to move the puck. Then I remembered that people don’t watch hockey for the sports, they watch it for the fighting and seeing peoples’ teeth get knocked out. Knocked-out teeth, rather like small children, tend to spread germs fairly easy, so that ruled out hockey.

So we’ve got the most pandemic-proof sport down.

There are other sports that might qualify, but they’re a little – out there – to really say. I mean – you could classify NASCAR as a pandemic-proof sport, but everyone being crammed elbow to elbow into the stadium, sweating and screaming, makes it not so attractive as an option. Sure, you could watch it at home – but that’s not how NASCAR’s meant to be experienced.

You could classify something like rock climbing as a pretty pandemic-proof sport – but honestly, if you’ve ever turned on your television or bought a ticket to go and watch competitive rock climbing, you probably don’t have to worry about the pandemic, because, even if you’re still breathing – you’re dead on the inside.

Cycling is a pretty pandemic-proof sport, but it’s also a sport heavily dependent on traveling long distances, since cycling tends toward endurance rather than speed over short distances.

Traveling, for anyone who doesn’t remember or has been busy watching competitive rock climbing lately, is a no-no in a pandemic.

Professional weightlifting could be classified as a pandemic-proof sport.

After all, you just lift stuff and stop and almost all of the equipment can easily be cleaned and wiped off.

Plus, who doesn’t like to see people lift ridiculously heavy stuff.

Buy apparently – according to experts – the most pandemic-friendly sport is, in fact: protesting.

Everyone’s doing it. It’s the hot new thing. Experts have said that if you’re angry enough about what you’re protesting, you literally can’t get sick. It’s impossible. Your absolute rage just burns the germs right off of you.

What’s that? You don’t think protesting is a sport? It involves physical exertion (marching) and teamwork (coordinating efforts).

How, in the absolute world, could anyone even say that that isn’t a sport? It baffles the mind.

So now that we’ve figured out the most pandemic-friendly sport, by all means, everyone go out and protest.

It’s good exercise and it’s the safest thing to do during a pandemic.