In the Light
I’m learning that not everybody understands what I’m talking about.
Okay, so maybe I skip words that might make a sentence actually mean something.
“I was Florida and then hamstrings and back to the drawing board on Tuesday.”
I can’t even make sense out of that.
And I said it.
Sometimes I talk like a mentally defective Yoda.
Plus, not everyone appreciates the same things I do.
In my continual quest to make many friends and influence people I’ve found that I can actually talk to someone about something I have no interest in, and make me sound interesting to them.
It makes me look like I care about things they like.
Even though I don’t.
“Those new Michael Kors Corporation handbags have new and exciting colors, but they are a bit harder to match with your basic spring wardrobe.”
When what I really mean is, “What’s all the hoopla over new uniforms for the Titans? It’s just a money grab, a marketing ploy. There’s nothing wrong with the old uniforms.”
Want to hear my thoughts on music?
“Raising a child is hard work and thanks to social media and peer pressure it’s becoming harder and harder for parents to really, and I mean really, connect with their children.”
What I mean is, “They were a great band. Then they got all ‘experimental’ and now they sound like a herd of monkeys on a rampage in the alleyway banging on garbage can lids.”
See how easy that was?
“If you go there next week they have this really cool pickle festival and there’s a little café just off the main square that has the best hamburger … And it’s inexpensive. Of course you can go there any time of the year, the place is fantastic.”
And I’m actually saying, “I saw this woman driving a Jeep the other day and I don’t know which was better looking, her or the Jeep. She was cute and all, but that Jeep was like a ‘Dream Jeep.’ It was something to behold.”
I’ve actually had many conversations about Jeeps disguised as conversations about … Well, almost everything.
“See, if you place the love seat at this angle you get a bit more open space in the living room. It sets a flow dynamic that makes the space look airy and really brings out the natural light in the evenings.”
That means, “Their bullpen is going to stink this year. They may be able to score runs, but they’ll give up a lot more, especially once the starters are gone.”
My favorite as of late has been, “Love will always find you. Don’t press it. If he/she really loves you, really cherishes the real you, then he’ll/she’ll find his/her way to you. You just have to believe and have faith in yourself.”
Roughly translated means, “Did you catch all those cool pictures of Golden Retrievers watching the UMBC Retrievers thump Virginia? Crazy stuff, right? This has been a fun tournament, just an upset a minute.”
But it’s not all about sports.
“When it’s cold out, like it was yesterday, my joints hurt. It’s not just getting old, it’s the wear and tear over the years. I mean, we’ve all worked hard and that takes a little bit of something out of a body.”
“I need new sneakers. I want some old school Converse. You know, the old Chuck Taylors.”
And there are the old standby conversations everybody has — the stuff you say when you don’t really know the person you’re talking to and have no idea what they might like or dislike (after all, you don’t want to offend anyone).
Stuff about the weather usually. You know, “It’s supposed to rain tonight,” or “Man, it’s gonna be hot tomorrow.”
When all you really mean is, “What’s taking so long? What are you doing, gold plating the thing? I’ve met faster cross-eyed yaks. I just completed three college courses while I’m waiting for you to finish up.”
Also lately there has been a lot of, “Sure he’s unconventional, but maybe that’s what this country needed to get it kick started. You know being the leader of the free world is complicated, there are a lot of factors, a lot of plates spinning at one time.”
When you mean, “This is embarrassing. This can’t end well for anybody.”