Now competing in the death catapult ...

Due to funding cuts, gym teachers are now using baseballs for dodgeball;

Athlete that hits balls with club decries football as barbaric;

Coaches across the state of Tennessee have petitioned to change the sport of cross-country to the sport of “literally just running” after a student pointed out that the athletes do not, in fact, run across the country. Most haven’t even run across the entire county. Experts, such as “Tina on Facebook,” are worried that the misnomer will eventually lead to lawsuits for false advertising.

“I just think the name doesn’t make any sense,” said Coach Hoak, the Powell assistant football coach.

Last month, the Powell board of education shot down a proposition that would have changed the name of the sport of football to “Ultra-concussion-smackdown-rumble-raw.”

Various names have been proposed for cross-country teams to adopt that advocates say better convey the spirit of the sport, including: “Just running until you throw up and then running some more,” “Our school has more tall people than your school ha ha ha,” “Forrest Gumping,” and, finally, “The sport that requires no hand-eye coordination.”

“I’m not gonna tell them what to do, but I just think they should change it to something that has more to do with the sport,” said golf coach, Clinch Cain, without even a hint of irony.

Other sports have tried to rebrand themselves recently now with more sensible, related names. Womens boxing, for instance, has sued for their right to use the term soccer, because, according to them, it, “just makes sense.”

“We really wanna change our name to the Rock’em Soccer Robots,” said Powell’s boxing coach, nodding enthusiastically and feeling very pleased with herself.

Baseball has tossed around the idea of changing to the colloquial “stickball,” which most people seem to be fine with.

Basketball may be changed to “Netty-hoop ball,” which most people do not seem to be fine with.

Pole vaulting, by order of the federal government, has simply been renamed, “Death catapult.”