Righting all the wrongs in the world

About a week ago — maybe two weeks ago — I ran in to Anderson County Sheriff Russell Barker and I told him I needed to call him so we could have a chat.

Just about things.

Sheriff barker is a good sheriff, a good man. He’s one of those guys that if you have to travel in an undesirable neighborhood down a dark alley you want him with you.

If you’re called on to participate in a debate — on anything from the advantages of cheddar vs. Colby cheese to, “Climate change: Fact or fiction?” you want him on your team.

If you ever get drawn into a battle of wits, you need him on your side.

“Yeah, we can sit down and solve all the world’s problems,” he grinned.

Guess what? I haven’t called him yet, but I’m going to.

I’m sure Sheriff Barker is relieved to know this.

See, I already have some ideas on solving all the world’s problems.

First off, get rid of political rallies.

Seriously, if you’re running for a political office you should be allowed to open a lemonade stand in front of your house, maybe a car wash in your driveway.

Political rallies may raise a lot of money for candidates, and at one time may have been a great way for a candidate to outline his or her agenda and views on important issues.

But they have turned into name-calling propaganda “I love me” matinees.

And they are covered as “news events.”

The best way to stop political rallies is music. Musicians should start booking all the big venues where political rallies are held and there would be concerts instead of name calling.

We also need to hire someone to oversee government spending.

I suggest someone’s uncle.

We all have one who has to know where every penny spent by his wife was used for.

“What? I gave you $30 last week to get groceries. What did you spend that on?” he’ll shout from his easy chair in the front room — where he’s watching a baseball game and partaking of a cold adult beverage. “What do you mean all we have for dinner is tuna casserole?”

Give him the job and he’ll be in congressmen’s faces asking things like, “What’s this ‘Study of the lifespan on moths in Iowa’ stuff? Who cares? Now turn on a game and go do something useful. Hold a car wash in your driveway or something.”

Then, when the billions of dollars spent on studying the mating habits of squirrels in New Hampshire is saved, invest that into arts.

Yes, arts.

Theater, music, painting, writing (literature), sculpture, more music.

The arts make people happy.

Especially the music part. Buy students guitars and trumpets and drums and stuff.

Nobody cares about studying the eating habits of left-handed cows in Wisconsin.

Unless they play music or paint.

People will be too busy admiring works of art, reading really good books, and listening to tuneage to pay much attention to a politician shouting how they’re being treated unfairly.

And then the politician can spend more time crafting a really good lemonade recipe for their stand in front of their house.

See how all of this kinda ties in together?

But here’s the best thing to solve the world’s problems: More Pearl Jam.

I’m going to be the first to say this (maybe the first):

The last six years have been brutal.

In the last six years the climate seems to have drastically changed, ice caps and glaciers are melting and tensions in the Middle East seem to have escalated.

Also, Weezer has put out something like seven studio albums and there have been 2,367 “news” stories about a Kardashian.

And Johnny Manzel has played for six or 7 or 12 different football teams, the Cubs won a World Series, and the University of Illinois has won something like five football games.

All of this and no new music from Pearl Jam (except for one song).

I know how fix my world, but Pearl Jam ain’t cooperating.