You know you’re getting older when your tolerance of stupidity changes from, “Well, that’s sorta interesting,” to, “Bunch of idiots.”
That tolerance level is confirmed when you see a box of cereal — the kind with lots of gluten and tons of sugar and/or corn sweetener — with a $14.99 price tag and you realize it is a true sign of the pending “End of the World.”
Whilst I was perusing my favorite music-type store in search of the much-appreciated and highly sought after round plastic discs which house joyous harmonies (and thrashing guitar and assorted heavy drum and/or bass beats), I saw such a box of cereal.
Yes, every person who loves a tasty treat for their morning meal can buy a box of “Krampus” cereal for only $14.99 and enjoy said treat heartily.
Don’t know what a “Krampus” is or does.
Let Wikipedia help:
“In Central European folklore, Krampus is a horned, anthropomorphic figure described as ‘half-goat, half-demon,’ who, during the Christmas season, punishes children who have misbehaved, in contrast with Saint Nicholas, who rewards the well-behaved with gifts.”
Yes, there is a movie. I haven’t seen it.
Maybe a book, too. Which I haven’t read.
Keep that in mind as you read on because you know I probably don’t appreciate the surly beast as much as everyone else.
I have nothing against breakfast cereals, although the application of which has changed dramatically since my childhood.
There were two kinds of breakfast cereals when I was a wee lad, both with the same goal: to provide a quick breakfast that had varying degrees of nutritional value.
There was the Wheaties and Shredded Wheat type cereal, used mainly to help scrub a child’s inner workings. You ate Wheaties because whatever athlete was featured on the box ate them.
“Look, I’m eating what Johnny Bench eats.” You sure didn’t eat Wheaties because they tasted yummy.
“Gaaaah! This tastes like dirty socks! But look, Dick Butkus!”
And I wish I’d saved my Wheaties box with Bruce Jenner gracing the cover.
Now that’s a box of cereal (probably non-edible by now) that would be worth $14.99.
I’m pretty sure you were given Shredded Wheat as some kind of evil intestinal scrubbing punishment.
“You tracked mud in the house?!?! It’s Shredded Wheat for breakfast for a month for you!”
And there were the cereals that really weren’t cereals, just an excuse to pour sugar down a kid’s throat — the Fruity Pebbles and Sugar Smacks of the marketing world.
My mom always gave that kind of cereal to my cousins.
Right before she sent them back home.
I myself liked Lucky Charms. A cartoon leprechaun hawked Lucky Charms in commercials.
“They’re always after me lucky charms,” he’d say as he outwitted some gangly child trying to steal his box of cereal and its marshmallow goodies hidden within.
He had a really bad Irish accent.
I haven’t seen this fellow in a while. I guess he’s outlived his usefulness in our politically correct culture and may no longer hawk breakfast cereals.
And I always wanted to give him some advice: You want to quit worrying about people always being after your lucky charms? Do you really want to know the solution to that?
Eat the damn things.
Pour some milk on them and have at it.
Sorry, I get sidetracked.
Cereal is not like that any more. It’s mostly sticks and twigs, maybe a few berries and small rocks thrown in. And it’s all cinnamon flavored because cinnamon is best for hiding the taste of dirt.
But lo and behold — Krampus!
For just $14.99 a box.
And the people who will buy this cereal? I bet they’re the type who thrive on the twigs and sticks morning nourishments and use almond milk or salmon milk or whatever it is these types pour on their breakfast ... Food?
And I’m sure Krampus cereal is a “must have” for some because, well … It’s Krampus!
Bunch of idiots.