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Gripes and complaints

I used to know a guy when someone asked how he was doing he would answer with, “I can’t complain.”

He would then proceed to complain for 10-15 minutes about something. I learned quickly he was in fact a liar.

He could complain, sometimes very loudly.

I make no such claims.

I complain and gripe quite a bit. Sometimes I just have a need to get something off my chest, hence this week’s column.

I read a story a couple of weeks ago about an actual proposed new professional flag football league.

Let that sink in for a second.

Professional flag football.

Not indoor football, not Canadian football, not Australian rules football, not even a political football, no just flag football.

I understand their logo is a giant cupcake emblazoned with the phrase “Because two-hand touch is too violent.”

Instead of the National Anthem, the song “Feelings” will be played prior to the start of each game. If you’re too young to know the song, first of all, good for you and second, look it up on the Internet. You’ll understand what I talking about when you hear it.

I almost get sick thinking about what have we allowed to be done to the game of football.

If this isn’t a sign of the end times I don’t know what else would qualify. That shift in the earth you just felt was the bodies of Vince Lombardi, Bear Bryant, and Woody Hayes rolling over in their graves.

By the way, if those names mean nothing to you, stop reading right now and go pick up your flag football gear. Better yet, join a support group for friends of flag football.

Maybe you can talk to the Nerf® people and get a softer, more sensitive football; one which will allow you to share your feelings over a cup of herbal tea at halftime. After all, the real pigskin can hurt — just ask a pig.

If the general direction of football was my only gripe this week that would be one thing but there’s something else out there that will not go away: Lavar Ball.

In case you don’t know who this guy is, he is the father of recent UCLA star Lonzo Ball. The elder Ball is the epitome of a stage parent. Actually, he is the epitome of a nuclear-powered deranged stage parent given too much face time by ESPN.

I’m being more than kind in my description.

Since before the start of March Madness this guy has been in the headlines for making outlandish claims about his son’s talent. The kid hasn’t been drafted yet and his father launched a shoe line in his son’s name — with the lowest starting cost being several hundred dollars.

The latest display of arrogance came last week when he refused to allow his son to work out for the Boston Celtics to evaluate him for the upcoming NBA Draft. I realize he wants his son to be drafted by the Los Angeles Lakers but refusing to work out for any NBA team is just wrong.

Lavar Ball is an albatross around the neck of his son. Doesn’t he realize that some bright NBA general manager is going to figure out no matter how good Lonzo Ball is or can be, it’s just not worth it because of having to deal with his father.

Can you imagine the distraction the guy is going to be for whatever NBA team drafts his son? The sad thing is he has two younger sons so we haven’t heard the last of this clown.

There is a solution though. Lavar Ball once played for the London Monarchs of NFL Europe. He was also on the practice squad of several NFL teams, including the New York Jets, which obviously qualifies him to be a keen evaluator of talent and a master of marketing.

He is the perfect man to be the face of professional flag football.

Here’s hoping he will do for professional flag football what he is doing to his son’s career.