Jonesing for a celebrity news fix

Every once in awhile I just need a celebrity news fix.

You know, mindless stuff that doesn’t mean anything.

Though I did learn quite a bit while perusing the internet for my yearly celebrity news input.

I know who Justin Bieber is. He’s the guy who tweeted that hockey is the only “real men’” sport — something like that.

First off, never tweet anything about “real men.” They will punish you and make you weep.

Tweeting the words “real men” is … It should be criminal.

It’s like saying you’re a real man because you like getting made fun of. Like now.

Anyway, Mr. Bieber is apparently engaged to someone called Hailey Baldwin.

I had to look up who Ms. Baldwin is. She is the daughter of Stephen Baldwin. I had to look up Stephen Baldwin, too.

He’s an actor.

He is one of the Baldwin acting brothers.

He was in “The Usual Suspects.”

So was Kevin Spacey. You know what the celebrity news on Kevin Spacey is, right?

I’m not sure what Hailey Baldwin is. A model, I think

Anyway: Congratulations you two knuckleheads.

Apparently Kim Kardashian has a daughter named North West.

You can’t make up this stuff.

North West is a model, too.

A lot of people are excited because she’s had her first photo shoot.

I know I am.

I mean, now that I know who she is.

This is great stuff, right?

I saw a picture of North West with her mother, Kim, and grandmother, Kris Jenner.

I studied it for a few minutes. I mean, really looked at it.

“Yep, it’s a picture,” I thought. “She’s a cute kid.”

In other big news, the rapper Drake hit one billion streams with his new album “Scorpion” in just one week, setting a record for reaching that number of streams the fastest ...


I don’t know what most of that means.

I know Drake is a talented rap star.

His new album is “Scorpion.” I know one billion has something like 14 zeroes after the number one.

I think streaming means “listened to” or downloaded to an electronic device.

Hey, I’m still stuck on vinyl, okay? I can tell you what spin the black circle means, but that’s about it.

That’s a lot of people streaming in a week — you know there is something like 14 zeroes in one billion, right?

That’s pretty amazing because of the 212 people I know, none of them have streamed “Scorpion.”

That’s kinda sad, isn’t it?

They better step up their streaming game.

That’s about all the excitement I could stand during my celebrity news fix.

It was better than reading about children suffering or reading hard line opinions that offer only rhetoric and no solutions on the troubles facing our country.

The hard line opinions are definitely as useful as celebrity news.

It’s also cool to learn who’s a model and who isn’t and how many people are streaming rap music in any given week.

I haven’t seen any headlines to ignore about George Clooney lately. I miss those.

Nor have I seen many headlines about Angelina Jolie that I can ignore. She used to get a lot of headlines.

I did a lot of ignoring.

I usually don’t read the stories, just the headlines, because … Well, that’s about as much celebrity news as I can take.

Not lately though. I went sorta hog wild, didn’t I?