And everyone will like puppies
In the Light
So.
If you haven’t had your fill of fake news this past week, let me help you out.
• It seems the world will end if a conservative is picked for the Supreme Court.
It’s true, animals are already pairing up for a ride in an ark.
Of course the world will end if a liberal is picked.
That just goes without saying.
If it were me — and lucky you it’s not me — there would be only be a few questions for any prospective Supreme Court Justice.
Do you like music?
How about puppies? Do you like puppies?
Have you ever been in a shaving cream fight? Did you have fun while you did so or were you mortified by the thought that you looked like a big, white, fluffy dork?
Have you ever stayed up all night slinging Hot Wheels around an old pool table?
See, problem solved.
Not only do we get to know the “real” Justice, but we’ll also probably get to see some funny pictures of them after being in a shaving cream fight.
And hopefully there will be pictures of puppies mixed in there somewhere.
Cute puppies, but not too cute. I think it would be terrible if someone trying to be a Justice of the Supreme Court had a picture of a puppy — a really cute puppy — and they didn’t get the job.
Everyone would be like, “But that puppy was soooooooo cute.”
• I strongly suggest political opponents have an air guitar contest in the next election — winner take all.
We’ll hold it in a double elimination tournament-type deal.
It’ll maybe take a week to finish it. ESPN will broadcast it.
It’ll be fun.
An air guitar contest will save money and save politicians from avoiding answering hard questions like, “Do you like puppies?”
And instead of bashing each other during those lengthy campaigns they can practice their moves for Van Halen’s “Eruption.”
“I would say that my opponent is as low as a motherless goat and wears a toupee, but I have to practice for Avenged Sevenfold’s ‘Buried Alive.’ That’s my first song in the air guitar tournament you know.”
If air guitar is too abstract, just put them on a paintball course.
I think Congress is going to vote on it next week.
• Since we have no tolerance for anything or anyone different than what we think anything or anyone should be, America will rebuild itself and become 1955.
Everything was better in 1955 don’t you think?
Yeah, I don’t either.
No, we do not live in the America of the 1950s.
The America of the 1950s isn’t even the America of the 1950s — it’s an advertising campaign, a slogan, a trick shot worthy of the Harlem Globetrotters, a re-run of “Happy Days.”
I think America will be better off if we rebuild it in the future.
You know, a Star Trek or Star Wars era-type place. Then we won’t worry about where you’re from or what color you are.
We’ll just want to be sure you’re not a Klingon or that you’re not from the dark side.
“Luke, I am your father.”
“No you’re not. You’re the guy selling cars on television.”
That sounds funnier when you say it out loud.
We should do this because people from other countries are the root of all of our woes; people who don’t believe in the same God we believe in are the root of all our woes; and people of lesser means should just try harder because, by golly, our parents and grandparents worked hard to put that silver spoon in our mouths when we were born.
And everyone (and I mean everyone) will like puppies.
I think that goes to the Senate Select Committee of Selecting Committees next month.
• There is a grassroots movement to stop calling states “Red States” or “Blue States.”
It’s just silly to give a whole state that kind of name.
Kentucky is a green state — except in winter, then it’s kind of a brown state.
Tennessee is just like Kentucky, except I’m sure numerous folks will say we should be an Orange State.
New Mexico and Arizona are brown states (mostly) year round.
Alaska could be a white state.
Rhode Island can be any color state it wants to be because it’s so small you can barely make out what color it is on a map.
“Is that purple?” you ask.
“I have no idea, it’s too small to make out.”
All states will like puppies, too.
I’m pretty sure the President of the United States has that bill on his desk as I write this, just waiting for his signature for it to become law.
Yeah, pretty sure that’s the case.