Tired of hearing about COVID-19?
Good, let’s talk about murder hornets.
Just when you thought 2020 couldn’t get any more deadly (or strange), along comes word that murder hornets have landed on our shores and are probably heading east.
East is us.
Remember six or seven or maybe 10 years ago the fish with legs and feet were walking out of waterways in Florida and biting people and eating their pets and whatnot?
Something like that.
It was some kind of fish that had grown legs and an ability to breath out of the water and they were from Brazil, or some other country south us, and they were invading dry land in Florida and in the end we were all going to be eaten by walking fish.
Every week it was like, “Oooh the mean walking fish are in Central Florida and the alligators are moving to Geogia.”
And then it was, “Oooh the mean walking fish are in Georgia and isn’’t that an alligator in your pond?”
And then it was like ... “Hey, what happened to all the mean walking fish?”
Come on, you know you remember that.
Murder hornets are like that.
We’re all going to be obliterated by a giant bug that originates in (you guessed it) China.
Why does everything bad — everything that is going to kill, maim, injure, make fun of the way we dress — come from China?
Or do we just want to blame it all on China. I mean, hey, who’s going to check this stuff out.
“Oh yeah, that nasty smelling and even nastier tasting potted meat product? It came from China.”
And we just kinda nod and say, “Well, that makes sense.”
Murder hornets probably didn’t originate in China.
They probably came from … Norway.
Norway never gets blamed for anything (unless you count funny looking food dishes consisting of fish and more fish with a little bit of fish thrown in for good measure), so it’s Norway’s turn.
Although I do like to read that Norwegian crime fiction.
Don’t ask me why. It’s not like murder hornets ever commit a crime in those stories.
And fish with legs have never been mentioned in one of the books.
I asked around to see if anybody had any knowledge about how to kill murder hornets. I mean, they will eventually be at my back door looking to wreak havoc and cause mayhem.
That’s how they got their name, right?
You can’t spray them. They laugh at bug spray and use it as a garnish on their food dishes (which, from what I understand, are mostly people they chew up and spit out —or something like that).
You can’t shoot them. Bullets bounce off.
The United States Navy says it can now blow up a plane in mid-air with a laser, but the Navy won’t let us use that because murder hornets are not as a big as a plane and if we miss with the laser we’ll probably destroy our neighbor’s house.
Or at least do a lot of damage.
And make our neighbors angry.
I suggested big hammers.
Really, really, big hammers.
I was laughed at.
Someone said you could fool them by getting them drunk, tie a brick around their legs and then toss them in a lake.
But who wants to go drinking with a murder hornet? What if it gets really, really mad before it gets drunk, and then murders you?
Some bugs can’t hold their booze, that’s all I’m saying.
Besides, in all the Norwegian crime novels I’ve read, the Norwegians can really hold their liquor.
You gotta think these things through, you know.
I thought maybe we could offer bribes.
“Look, you can have these people (folks no one really likes) as long as you leave the rest of us alone.”
The problem is murder hornets don’t like anybody.
Especailly people with really, really big hammers.
You know, it’s gonna be a long, hot, scary summer.